5 Ways to Make Standup Meetings Hilariously Unforgettable😁

Photo by Bernard Hermant @bernardhermant on Unsplash

I’ve started to really hate standup meetings. I’ve experienced many where they degenerate over time into status updates, or worse team members fail to share pertinent information with the rest of the team.

So, I’m going to help you turn the situation around. Let’s keep everyone on side by turning around the situation following the tips below.

Put on a “solid” Californian accent

If you are working with a set of overenthusiastic tech bros nothing will ingratiate you with the team like charming mimicry. If your team is based in Chennai, they might think you’re aiming for a job in the international tech capital, so they’ll see you as ambitious.”

Top tips:

• ’Dudes’ and ‘guys’ are suitable suffixes for any sentence, and will help build friction within the team

• For sure is a suitable response to any question

• If anyone questions the altered accent respond appropriately. “It’s just, like, totally my vibe. You know?”

“Anything to cut out the misery of our daily status meetings would be appreciated.”

Use a different hat for each topic you discuss

Go full de Bono and embody the use of different hats for different stati you dutifully give. This might mean swapping colored headwear during your status updates as you refer to ticket POL-8346 and are given an update on FIG-9383.

Top tips:

• Keep a set of hats in a hat bag so they can be easily swapped during the meeting

• Make sure your hats are appropriate. Do not use hats from an ethnic group to which you do not belong (only wear ushanka if you are indeed in a cold place)

“Do not mix up De Bono and Bono. Although either character will go with or without you so probably doesn’t matter.”

Pretend you’re in a musical and sing your updates

You’ll need to make sure you’ve attended several musicals in advance so you will have a variety of lines that you might use.

Top tips:

• Memory, all alone in the moonlight…

• Go, greased lightnin’, you’re burning up the quarter mile…

• I am not throwing away my shot!

• “I dreamed a dream in time gone by…

• Oh, what a beautiful mornin’, oh, what a beautiful day…

“If you cannot sing do not let that worry you. You can still carry on with quoting the lines and giving your status.”

Use a sock puppet to speak on your behalf

We all know that developers do not tell the whole truth of their progress on any given task.

To avoid this truism simply use a sock puppet to speak on your behalf.

Top tips:

• Embody the voice of the sock puppet

• Give a brutally true update on your progress. Something like “did nothing, watched Netflix” is completely suitable.

“Brutal honesty has a place in software development. Enable this by using sock puppets.”

Pretend your soul is dead during the standup meeting

Nothing will kill your enthusiasm more than the status meeting. Speed this by pretending your soul is already dead.

Top tips:

• Speak in a depressed voice. Low tones work well

• Mumble

• Ignore other updates even if they tangentially affect your work

• Disengage

“I’ve been doing this for months.”

Conclusion

Spruce up your performance in your Agile status meeting by implementing one of the above ideas. If you have other ways to ruin the meeting please do let me know in the comments.