Why Software Developers Don’t Date💘
Photo by Mayur Gala on Unsplash
Developers shying away from the dating scene is symptomatic of a wider problem which impacts software engineering.
I’ve heard one attitude many times. I’ve heard it from many people. It’s wearing me down and perhaps it is wearing you down too.
“Software Developers should not be relationships. It gets in the way of coding.” — Some employers, POs, developers and the wider culture.
I’m going to explain the logic behind this viewpoint and give you the fixes for each point in turn.
Love Me Don’t: Why Software Developers Don’t Date
Work Hours Are Too Long
Long work hours are expected for many software developers. Some employers even target younger software developers with a laser focus on work and delivery who don’t have the distractions of family and a life outside of software development. Software development often requires long, irregular hours, which can strain personal relationships.
Some software developers work such long hours that they do not make relationships outside the work environment. As a result, dating is a distant dream for some.
There isn’t any reason why developing software and long hours go hand-in-hand. If you could write software perfectly, the first try, would you need to iterate on your work late at night?
Would your time be better spent focusing on your life outside work, and developing relationships?
The Fixes
Out community needs to stop equating long hours with quality code. I’ve written a blog post about this, but overtime doesn’t really work for developers and the accompanying sleeplessness destroys productivity. Make it stop.
As a job candidate, ask the right questions during an interview to assess the culture of the target company. If there is a long-hours culture, walk away, as you need time to grow as a developer without never-ending JIRA tickets.
The Unrelenting Focus on Career Growth
An undivided focus on career advancement, learning new technologies, and working on personal projects can come at the cost of a relationship. This can include talking about work all the time and the unrelenting focus of the employee even if they are not spending all of their time actually at work.
This means developers can explore things that are tangentially related to their day jobs. This can even widen the experience of developers.
The Fixes
Work on your own code, ideas, and goals outside of a corporate environment. Learning is not always about the next promotion, it should be for its own sake, and you should embrace what you might be able to learn and understand.
The Developer Lifestyle
The lifestyle of a developer, often characterized by periods of intense focus and solitude, might not align well with the expectations of a non-tech partner. Someone working as a project manager might not understand the trials and tribulations of a software developer partner and this might cause friction within the relationship.
You might jump to the conclusion that it makes sense to simply look for a partner who works in tech too. However, at work is not usually advised to pursue romantic entanglement. Looking at tech meetups? That’s not what most people attend those for. Speed dating || Tinder don’t have tech options. It’s not as easy as you might think.
The Fix for This:
Understand the challenges of a software development job are not unique.
Set boundaries and enforce them (no messages after 18:00, for example).
Develop hobbies and a social life away from the work environment.
Mobility and Flexibility
Single developers may have the flexibility to relocate for job opportunities. They may have more time to devote to the job, and ‘give their whole self’ to a career.
It’s a shame software developers are not simply rated on merit. Employers sometimes also rate the ability to be on call at a moment’s notice, or the ability of employees to relocate. Don’t be surprised that employers might favor those developers who are more likely able to bend to their wants and whims.
They might not say it, but employers might favor those with fewer family and geographic ties.
The Fix for This:
When considering performance and job opportunities, tech companies should consider individual circumstances and take the best developers. Companies should remember that circumstances change.
Social Challenges
Developers, stereotypically known for being introverted, might find maintaining a relationship challenging due to the social demands it entails.
The Fix for This:
Teams should celebrate differences and also work on collaboration and communication.
There should be opportunities for developers to improve their social skills and work up to becoming team leaders.
Financial Independence
Staying single can mean fewer financial responsibilities, allowing for more freedom in personal spending and investment in tech-related resources or hobbies.
Another aspect of giving one’s ‘whole self’ to a career, single developers are more likely to give much of their finances to a career choice.
The Fix for This:
Provide developers with the tools and training they need for their jobs so they can be the best developers they can.
Distractions
Relationships can be seen as a distraction from the intense concentration required for coding and problem-solving. Babies, partners, and animals can break concentration, which means that software development takes more time.
Employers can sometimes see relationships as a distraction and subtly encourage developers to cut ties with those closest to them. Ultimately this isn’t good for anyone, but due to the short-term nature of tech here we are.
The Fix for This:
Developers can ensure that they have a dedicated space to work, and quality time to get work done.
Conclusion
Please do not take this article as a serious attack on software developers. It isn’t entirely serious, and it isn’t a plea for software developers to stop reproducing.
It’s a plea for us to think about how we treat software developers, and how to move things forward.