Just Say No. 5 Techniques to Set Software Developer Boundaries

Photo by Rodion Kutsaiev on Unsplash

There are plenty of software developers who struggle to say no whether this is due to a toxic culture at work or an amenable personality. However, this usually excludes that arrogant senior software developer, The Secret Developer who never seems to have an issue speaking up in meetings.

“If you feel obligated to make other people happy, it can be tricky to make yourself happy. 

You shouldn’t be shy to upset people in meetings. You should be able to make some waves if you want people to get better and to improve.”

If you want to be a great developer, you will need to be able to take criticism and contribute to discussions. If you wish to be an always learning and positive developer, you will need to set your professional boundaries.

When we talk about professional boundaries essentially, we are talking about when and how to say no.

“Finally. Techniques to get out of going to parties! I’m going to start to say no to every possible social event.”

Techniques for setting boundaries:

Don’t default to no

It is perfectly natural at work to default to saying yes. It can even influence people to like you (although people-pleasing is not recommended).

Defaulting to yes limits your options. It means that you are not choosing what you do but are just agreeing without discussion you are likely to do many things that you perhaps shouldn’t or perhaps are not in your best interest.

“The question is often framed as ‘How can I get out of that invite I agreed to?’
The answer to that is oftentimes that you can’t without damaging your reputation.

I used to like to tell people that I’m sick just before social events, so I don’t have to go. I then use that time to play video games and feel awesome. I suspect this is why I don’t get invited to parties. Now I just say no to the invites that I don’t have.

I guess that this applies to non-critical projects at work. Those tasks which you would like to do and objectives that you would want to flag in your performance review. Don’t say yes if you don’t want to do it!

I never say yes to something I don’t want to do.”

Although The Secret Developer takes a rather extreme viewpoint of saying no you can do something similar. It might be tricky to do, but practicing saying no can reap rewards in boosting self-confidence and engagement.

It’s kinder to yourself to engage in invitations that you actually want to attend and you will feel happier and calmer if you do so. If you agree to things that you actually want to do you will likely be more engaged. You will take part in the activity in the best possible way.

The short version: Don’t just say yes by default.

The technique: Default to no. That is say no, unless you actually want to say yes.

Time to think

It is easy to default to an answer. Whether that is yes or no defaulting to a particular answer may give you a poor outcome. Change this by taking a step back and having a think about your actions.

“I don’t know if I’m the right person to speak about this. I’m someone who can let my mouth off the leash and say exactly what I think. 

Even I see an advantage to a considered response when there is an opportunity at work though. If not you might end up at your boss’s wedding (or similar).

Once I knew a guy who never said yes to anything. At least at first. They said ‘let me have a think’ and then come back in a day or a week or whatever. Nobody thought any less of them.”

The short version: Pause, consider. Think about whether you want to do it before responding.

The technique: Say “Can I think this over?”

Stop being a martyr

Rather than letting feelings like guilt and shame rule, we should take control of our own destinies and not become a victim.

Agreeing to things that we do not want to do and then turning up as a victim isn’t a good look. This can extend to invites as well as professional events. Agreeing to go or do something is not in itself a noble action

“We all know people who act like a martyr all the time. Nothing seems to be their fault.

We should be real with the people around us. Not take on more work than we ‘should’ or try to impress people around us.

What works best for you will work best for the group. Think this over and act accordingly.”

The short version: don’t let guilt, and shame feelings overtake your logical thoughts.

The technique: Don’t say yes whenever you feel that you’ll be a hero for doing so.

Leaving the door open is graceful, it’s not “no” forever

You can have grace when you turn down offers. You’re not saying no to the person, you’re saying no to the activity. You’re also not saying no to the activity for all time, you’re saying no to the activity right now.

“For me, it is no forever, though. If it’s not about the video games, it’s about coding. Using my time well is paramount.

Yet I guess I am one of those people who is willing to think about changing my mind. Someone might suggest it’s the correct thing to go to some social engagement.

I can say yes after saying no, and that has never caused any issues around these parts.”

The short version: no is not personal, and it isn’t about saying no forever.

The technique: Say “It’s not my thing. Thanks for inviting me!”

Have a limit, and stick to it

Some people will take away your time and effort. If you’ve said no once they will pressure you into saying yes. In such cases, it is time to assert yourself.

“The people who force you into things you don’t want to do? These people are usually called Scrum Masters. If it’s a social engagement or a work thing it is really time to assert yourself.

Sure, sometimes I simply cannot say no to a presentation. However, I can say ‘not this week’, and we can reschedule. I want to give my best work and just giving up and delivering ‘enough’ just isn’t my style whether we are talking about code, a presentation, or making an impact when out and about.

TBH I think we should all be that way.”

This is the time to assert your boundaries. Perhaps not exactly like The Secret Developer but you still need to make sure that you are secure in yourself and make everything you do count.

No. I mean Yes. No

The short version: no is no

The technique: Either a no or nothing. That’s right. Say nothing…then no (just no).

Conclusion

It’s easy to default to yes. It’s easy to be a martyr. Don’t make mistakes with your behavior and do the best you can in any particular situation.

Wouldn’t that be great?